Making Amends in Recovery: What It Means and How It Heals

Recovery goes beyond just stopping a substance use disorder. Sometimes, it involves rebuilding relationships that were damaged as a result of your addiction. For many people, there is a lot of painful work that goes into this: confronting their past, taking ownership of their mistakes, and having the courage to reach out to people they have hurt.

Making amends can be one of the most important steps on your recovery journey because it creates a structured way of being accountable for your actions, reconciling with others, and finding long-term peace of mind. Whether you are currently participating in a 12-step program or simply want to learn more about what making amends means, this resource provides an overview of the process, describes the different types of amends, and explains why they are important to your long-term recovery.

What Does Making Amends Mean?

To “amend” is the act of improving or changing something for the better.

In addiction recovery, making amends is the living acknowledgement of the wrongs done through your behaviors, while taking practical steps to repair and rectify them. Simply put, making amends is more than saying sorry. An apology might address words and feelings, but making amends is about taking action to repair a negative consequence.

The distinction between the two is very significant within the 12 steps of recovery, especially in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Steps 8 and 9 of the AA framework are explicit instructions on how to make amends to others.[1]

• Step 8 involves compiling a list of all people who have been negatively affected by your actions, and being willing to make amends to them.[2]
• Step 9 is putting Step 8 into action by making amends with as many people as possible, except where doing so may create further harm to yourself or others.[3]

This two-step process has proven to be one of the most transformational processes within recovery for both the person in recovery and the people who were affected by that person’s past behavior.

The Two Main Types of Amends

It is important to understand the difference between types of amends. This will help you work through this process in the best way for both you and the people involved.

• Direct amends are making amends directly to someone, either face-to-face or through direct communication, to acknowledge the harm you’ve done and take steps to make it right. This could mean repaying a debt, having a conversation to share your true feelings about what you did, or returning something that belongs to someone else. The focus is on actions and doing something to repair what was broken, rather than simply relying on words.
• Indirect amends are more appropriate when you are dealing with a situation where making direct contact could cause further damage to another person, the person making the amend, or a third party. For example, if you made direct amends to a family member who told you to no longer contact them, they may be further harmed by your reaching out. In such a situation, indirect amends may be done in the form of writing a letter that is not sent, making a donation to a charity in their name, doing community service, or simply committing to live differently going forward.
• Living amends refer to an ongoing commitment to change rather than a single conversation or gesture to rectify past wrongdoings. Living amends involve the daily practice of living differently with other people and becoming a trustworthy, honest, and engaged person. Many people find that this type of amends has a powerful impact because it shows true change in character, as opposed to simply demonstrating remorse for certain actions.

Why Making Amends Matters for Mental Health

The connection between unresolved guilt and mental and emotional health is clear. Carrying around the burden of past wrongdoings creates anxiety and depression, and can lead to relapse. Research recognizes that addressing interpersonal harm as part of the recovery process leads to better long-term sobriety and emotional well-being.[4]

Being able to make amends helps you in “keeping your side of the street clean,” as many AA members say. This saying captures the belief that regardless of whether someone forgives you for what you did wrong, keeping your side of the street clean is doing everything within your power to make up for the wrongdoings you committed. The outcome of those amends will rest with the injured party; the effort will rest with you.

For many people with substance use disorder struggles, unresolved relational harm is a primary driver for their continued substance use. Feelings of shame, fear of confrontation, and avoidance of difficult feelings trigger them to use substances. If someone can instead work through the amends process, ideally with the support of a sponsor, therapist, or treatment program, they will be able to work through their emotions and stop trying to suppress them.

The Process of Making Amends

Making amends is not something to be rushed through. It takes time and consists of several major steps. Below is how the process usually works:

1. Creating the list: One major component of Step 8 is an honest accounting of those who have been hurt during active addiction. The list should include family members, friends, coworkers, and anyone else affected by your behavior while using substances. It is critical at this stage to be completely honest. To minimize or rationalize the harm you caused would undermine the amends process.
2. Consulting with a sponsor or counselor: Before contacting anyone on the list, talk with a sponsor or counselor about how you will approach each person. Some amends can be made directly and with little difficulty. Others require more thought about whether to contact the person, how to approach them in a way that puts their well-being ahead of your own, and how to make your intentions clear.
3. Reaching out thoughtfully: When you reach out to someone to make amends, it is important to acknowledge the specific harm you caused, take full responsibility, and offer to make it right in concrete terms where possible. The specific language you use makes a difference. Instead of a vague apology, say something like “I lied to you over and over again, and my lying damaged your trust in me.” Do not give in to the temptation to explain why you behaved as you did, as that will come across as an excuse.
4. Accepting the other person’s response: Not every person on the list is going to respond positively, and some will not respond at all. That is part of the process. According to the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, the purpose of making amends is not to receive a certain outcome but to do the right thing regardless of how the other person responds. Recovery does not depend on the other person’s reaction.

Making Amends and Reconciliation

Making amends is part of reconciliation, which can aid in restoring friendly relations. However, it is important to realize that reconciliation has to take place between two people. You are able to make amends to someone without restoring the relationship, and that is perfectly fine. What you gain from the process is the sense of peace that comes from acting with integrity.

The concept of atonement also closely ties into the process of making amends. For many people in recovery, the amends process is very spiritual and serves as a path out of the cycle of guilt and self-sabotage that accompanied their addiction. Neither religious belief nor spiritual views affect the therapeutic value of atonement, which is widely recognized in addiction treatment.

For the loved ones who receive amends, the experience can be complex. They may feel relieved, doubtful, emotional, or any combination of these feelings. Encouraging loved ones to attend therapy or support groups such as Al-Anon can be helpful as they work through their own feelings while attempting to restore their relationships.

Start Healing at New Waters Recovery

At New Waters Recovery, we recognize that addressing the emotional and relational aspects of recovery is an important part of the healing process. Recovery is not something that you do alone. Having the support of professionals will help ensure that amends are made in a way that promotes healing for everyone involved.

Frequently Asked Questions